Current Age: 53
I’m 53 now, and I’ve had a lot of time to think about where this started. It definitely wasn’t something that just appeared one day. When I really trace it back, I think it began when I was about 5 years old.
I was at a family get-together, just sitting around in the living room. One of my older cousins accidentally passed gas. A couple of the adults laughed, she looked embarrassed, and someone made a joke about it. Everyone moved on pretty quickly. But for some reason, I didn’t. I remember just sitting there thinking about it. I didn’t know why it stuck in my head. It just did.Obviously at 5 there was nothing sexual about it. I didn’t even understand anything like that. It was more that I felt very aware of the moment. The embarrassment, the reaction, the fact that it was something people weren’t “supposed” to do. It felt awkward but also kind of fascinating in a way I couldn’t explain.Then when I was around 11 or 12, something similar happened at school. A girl in class accidentally passed gas during a quiet lesson. A few kids laughed, she went red, and the teacher tried to brush past it. I remember feeling that same strange awareness again. But this time I was older. Puberty was starting, even if I didn’t fully understand it yet. The feeling wasn’t just curiosity anymore. It had changed.I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t even really admit it to myself properly. Back then, especially growing up in the 80s, you just kept things like that to yourself. There wasn’t internet forums or anything like that where you could quietly see if other people experienced the same thing. So I just assumed it was something odd about me.Through my teens and into adulthood, it stayed in the background. It wasn’t something that controlled my life or affected relationships in a big way. It was just… there. Sometimes I’d think about where it came from and it always went back to those early moments. I honestly think it was the mix of embarrassment and attention that made it stand out in my mind as a kid, and then puberty kind of attached itself to that memory later on.Now at 53, I don’t see it as a big dramatic thing. It’s just part of how my brain developed, I suppose. Looking back, it makes more sense than it used to. When you’re younger it feels confusing, maybe even shameful. With age, it just feels like one small piece of who you are.That’s probably the biggest change — not the interest itself, but how I see it. Time makes a difference.
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